Leonardo Dicapri-Knope

Desperate times call for desperate measures, and that cannot be more true than in the National Parks Service. United States Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke has demolished the National Parks Service budget, and sacrifices are inexorable.

The parks stand in a vulnerable place, especially with the resignation of Orrin Hatch, the Senator from Utah. Utah boasts the third most national parks in the nation, and the parks provide a significant source of revenue for the state of Utah. These beloved parks were fiercely defended by Senator Hatch.

The vacancy presents Ryan Zinke with an opportunity to use a large drill many suspect he commissioned for the National Parks Service. The drill was ordered without anyone’s knowledge. Without Senator Hatch’s presence, many worry that the parks will lack protection against Zinke’s pro-drilling agenda.

“Ryan Zinke is not concerned with our natural environment”, Grand Teton asserted,“It is absolutely heinous to use our land like this.” Sharp tones towards Secretary Zinke seem to be a general sentiment in the council, as many parks unwillingly minimize their land.

The National Parks Service faces another devastating loss. Michael P. Reynolds, the National Park Service Director, has died in a tragic plane crash.

The vacancy was eagerly filled by actor Leonardo Dicaprio, who recently starred in a hit film portraying Al Gore which has become quite political, catapulting both Al Gore and Leonardo Dicaprio’s careers.

“[It is] the greatest film of all time, absolutely the greatest, number one!”, exclaimed President Donald Trump, a long time fan of Dicaprio.

The praise fuels Al Gore’s recently announced campaign for the empty Utah Senate seat. Many celebrities have vocalized their support, including Jimmy Kimmel.

“I think he stands up for a good cause” stressed Kimmel. “I think you all should consider voting for him.”

The National Parks Service is more than enthusiastic with the new director. “Donald Trump likes Leo Dicaprio. We can pressure him to pressure Trump to get an ecologically minded secretary, and get rid of Zinke,” said Mount Rainier.

Dicaprio has proposed many creative solutions to fix the budget deficit presented by the Trump presidency.

One of these solutions include allowing people to swim in the water of the Washington Monument—for a fee, of course. The National Mall in D.C. is optimistic that this plan will minimize budget cuts.

National Parks Service read an edition of National Geographic discussing the appointment of Leonardo Dicaprio.

Dicaprio’s zeal has paid off. The former actor has opened hot wings restaurants at the national parks. The business’ maintain stellar reviews and have attracted people from all over the country to the parks.

“I love these hot wings so much, it should be illegal!” boasted the newly elected director.